It’s probably cliche at this point to say: we live in difficult times. Even so, it is true. For the past seven months (all of this year so far), I have struggled with creative inspiration. There are so many possible explanations for why I feel blocked. It’s all too easy to make a list of the prime suspects:
- Existential depression from global pandemic
- Year-long isolation from normal social structures
- Loss of ambition due to reaching certain career goals (actually a good thing… ?)
- Large emotional upheaval from experiencing huge romantic relationship changes in the last year
- Loss of creative partnership
- Post-vaccination restlessness to get away from my computer and related work
… I could probably keep going. But you get the point.
As this seven-month-long creative stagnation has dragged on, I have often crafted a mental list like the one above and tried to pick a single culprit. Once I do, I try to forge a plan to overcome that specific struggle, whether within my ongoing work or outside of it. But none of those plans have worked. Some of them are beyond my control. Others have no simple solution. In any case, fixing one would not fix the others.
One of the most confusing aspects of my blockage was that I normally obtain therapeutic healing through my creative process. How could I evolve from these life trials without my art? Had I changed so much that I no longer needed that creative outlet?
It was only through a long period of time, extensive talks with my former creative partner (Malcolm), and discussion with colleagues that I started to hone in on a singular problem I could fix.
- The story I was writing no longer resonated with me.
Amidst life and world upheaval, this last problem hid more secretly, tripping all my attempts to wrestle the other demons. It was easier to blame my stagnation on the bigger issues in my life rather than the relationship with my creation itself. I DO process my feelings through story and creative expression. But the story I was trying to tell no longer expressed my feelings, even though I conceived it less than a year ago.
To give you a little more background, the story was called Incognis. It was a sci-fi romantic drama about a woman who found rare love and happiness within a polyamorous quad, only to throw it away for the sake of selfish ambition. The inspiration for this idea came from tumultuous emotions at a very specific time in my life.
- I was nesting romantically with a quad during the pandemic
- I wrestled with polar extremes of happiness and misery
- I blamed myself for the misery–but would later realize it arose from toxic emotions from one of my partners
- I was at the peak of self-focused ambition, having just lost my creative partner while trying to finish the studio’s biggest release yet
All of these intense emotions led to the conception of Incognis, and with good reason. During that specific period, the story of Incognis was a fitting expression of my emotional turmoil. But at the beginning of this year–around the same time I actually started working on Incognis–those personal emotions shifted. Life experiences and loved ones helped me overcome those struggles, rather than my art.
In retrospect, it becomes easy to see such patterns. But for seven months, I operated under the belief that I still needed to make Incognis. I blamed my creative blockage on that first list, rather than the nature of my creation itself. When you have been your own boss of your own studio for eight years, you learn to push yourself past periods of self-doubt and temporary blockage. But in this case, I pushed myself too far, and everything else suffered as a result.
At long last, I have decided to scrap my previous plans for Incognis. I will take some extra time to recharge and let some new ideas simmer. Most likely, I will still use a few scraps from Incognis in the form of assets and environment designs. But the story and characters will get a complete overhaul, leading to something new and truer to my current state of self.
As always, I hope you will enjoy the result, though it might take longer to create. What use is art if it doesn’t come from the truth within ourselves?